2. Be aware that you model social behavior in front of your child. Whether you realize it or not, your child passively internalizes every interaction you have with others that they are present for. This means a little can go a long way - use this as an opportunity to model basic social skills with your own friends and family. In front of your child, demonstrate the importance of treating others with care and compassion, how to interpret body language and visual cues, the role of turn-taking, what patience looks like, how to respectfully handle conflict, and more. Even when you think your child isn’t paying attention, it’s essential to serve as a positive role model because children really are little sponges.
3. Help your child enhance their self-esteem. When children have a strong sense of self, they often have an easier time making and keeping friends. Have your child play the hands-on Strong Suit: The Tower of Self Esteem game with you, their siblings or their peers. This game was engineered to help address issues of social anxiety and communication skills among children of all ages. This structured and playful approach will undoubtedly go a long way.
4. Continue to empower your child through another form of playtime. Link Alike, a social skills ice breaker game universally loved by all teaches children how to seamlessly make friends! It enables them to explore and feel proud of their individual personalities and interests while needing to develop strong social skills and build self-confidence in the process. At the same time that they are engaged in the fun of this spirited social skills game, they are taught to build relationships with people of diverse identities, cultures and backgrounds with an emphasis on mutual respect in place of judgment.
It is no secret that healthy social exposure helps children develop emotionally and morally and sets them up for a life of fulfilling human connection, effective communication, and increased self-confidence. The reality is that a lot of power lies in your hands as the parent, so as long as you capitalize on this beautiful opportunity to guide your child towards increased social ease, chances are that things will ultimately fall into place. We encourage you to give the above tips a try and let us know how they go!
What exactly is mindfulness, you ask? In its most simplified form, mindfulness involves slowing down and gently living in the moment without judgment. The practice of living mindfully teaches kids to view their thoughts in a more neutral manner, enabling them to respond to stressful situations in more grounded and thoughtful ways. In addition to this philosophy, mindfulness can be practiced in a more structured way - through mindfulness meditation. Click here to check out top mindfulness meditation apps for kids and further explanations on guided meditations.
It must be noted that kids are uniquely suited to benefit from mindfulness. Habits formed early in life affect behaviors carried forward into adulthood. With mindfulness, we have the opportunity to help our kids cultivate the habit of being extra calm, thoughtful, and grounded in all situations. On top of that, while the human brain constantly develops throughout the lifespan, connections in the prefrontal circuits are created at their fastest rate during childhood. This means that teaching mindfulness skills to our kids early on has the greatest chance of actually making a long term impact.
Research findings on mindfulness have shown us that this philosophy and practice really work. Countless findings demonstrate that practicing mindfulness improves attention spans, helps people of all ages stay calm under stress and become more patient, reduces anxiety levels, helps people get along better with others, experience more life satisfaction, increase sense of self-confidence, and become better listeners and critical thinkers. What’s not to like?!
It is important to acknowledge that being a parent is an incredibly stressful experience on its own. That is why for those of you raising kids, adopting a mindfulness practice of your own may be incredibly beneficial for both you and your family. Taking this on will allow you to not only share the skills of groundedness and acceptance with your kids, but to also take better care of yourself at the same time while modeling patience and living in the present moment at home. The more we discover how to be mindful ourselves, the more we can turn to mindful parenting strategies and appreciate our child’s capacity to be present in each moment.
A great resource to turn to when teaching kids about mindfulness principles is our Behind the Anger Card Game. This game teaches kids how to non-judgmentally acknowledge and accept the range of feelings they experience, resulting in more thoughtful problem-solving to take place along the way. Additionally, The Nightmare Survival Kit is a fantastic medium to teach kids how to focus on the here and now, with guided exercises to address obstacles that come their way in the form of nightmares and anxieties. This game combo taps into fundamentals of mindfulness, helping kids flex their mindfulness muscles all while having fun and learning a lot about themselves and how to handle adversity.
Source:
https://www.verywellfamily.com/benefits-of-mindfulness-for-kids-4769017
Additional resource for parents:
https://www.mindful.org/mindfulness-for-kids/
]]>Research has found that befriending our emotions, particularly the uncomfortable ones, is an essential part of supporting our mental health and wellbeing. However, that is easier said than done. Keep reading to learn how to incorporate three important strategies into your life to adopt this outlook:
You will likely be surprised by how effective these strategies are at reducing the intensity of uncomfortable emotions. It is important to note that it will take time to implement these strategies into your life and that the process likely won’t be linear, but with enough time and intention, you will certainly see tangible results.
Above all, it is critical to highlight that as parents, we take on the role of the “teacher” to guide and support our children in learning various life skills - one of which is emotional regulation. If we aren’t yet comfortable navigating our own range of human emotions, it will ultimately be difficult for our children to learn healthy and effective ways of regulating their own feelings. It is thus all the more important for us to work on applying the above strategies in our own lives in order to serve as a mirror for our little ones to learn from.
Besides setting a helpful, real-life example for our children on how to address uncomfortable emotions in a healthy way, our Behind the Anger card game addresses this topic by providing an educational, effective, hands-on tool specifically designed for kids to learn about this skillset. In a playful manner, the game teaches kids about how powerful it can be to identify the range of emotions that hide behind anger, get familiar with them, and learn about ways to deal with them. This kid-friendly and accessible card game is universally loved, and results in massive learning and growth opportunities for children. For more information on this helpful tool, click the link above and read more!
]]>Children need help differentiating between their internal narratives and other possible explanations for external events and behaviors.The best way to do so is to stick to the dry facts. For example, if a child calls a friend and there is no answer, they may think that their friend does not want to talk to them, but the dry fact was there was simply "no answer". Other stories can be just as feasible. Maybe their friend was in a place with no reception. Maybe they were doing something that prevented them from picking up the phone. Either way, it's all guesses and we won't be able to know for a fact until we directly address it, so why assume the negative?
In every good there is a bit of bad, in every bad there is a bit of good
I use the concept of yin and yang to illustrate the fact that there is no good without bad and no bad without good. Children may be “stuck” in a recurring, negative thought pattern pertaining to themselves or the world. For example, "I do not know how to draw", "I am not good at sports", "I am fat", etc.
The yin and yang symbol helps children concretely understand that things are not just black or white, and that light can always be found if you look for it. When working with clients, we examine their negative perceptions together, acknowledge the difficulties, then suggest a different angle triggered by questions such as "can you find any good in it?" or "What do you gain from this?" Using this symbol to remind us that there is no good without bad and vice versa can be an immensely helpful tool for children when searching for the good that exists.
Acting as a means of developing positive thinking
Children who are prone to think more negatively express this through play. They often say things like, "I will not succeed", "I always lose" and so on. Even during the game they tend to be concentrated on a probable negative outcome.
As parents of a child with a negative outlook, I invite you to use the Strongsuit game to guide them through an approachable perception change. This game is all about building yourself up and eliminating the need to win in order to feel good about oneself. It helps children realize their own self-worth and boost their sense of confidence. As all the questions in the game evoke positive thinking in relation to self and others, it is fun for kids while also being a pragmatic tool for working on flexing positive thinking muscles and learning cooperation skills when working as a team and helping others. It's never too late to work with your children on changing their worldview - and the result will inevitably lead to long term, increased sense of wellbeing.
They see the world in black and white, they are sure that everyone is laughing at them and that they are not successful enough to be popular. Kids might be captives in the misconceptions of themselves and in charges against the world - how can we teach them to see the good things and change reality?
fresh mom, surrounded by mothers of babies, I noticed that even in the beginning there are babies that magnetize people and get a lot of attention, while other kids get less attention. It didn’t have anything to do with beauty or development - the secret was their smile!
So, there are some who know it from babyhood: when you smile, the world smiles back at you. It’s true in every age, and with some awareness and basic tools, you can help kids with a negative outlook to see a lot of more positive things in themselves and in others, to smile more and to magnetize their surroundings.
A self-fulfilling prophecy
You probably heard the term “self-fulfilling prophecy”. It’s about faith that exists inside of us, that later we discover again and again that exists as well.
The thing is that the reality we see, and experience is relative, meaning that it’s seen through our eyes and therefore it’s subjective. In other words, we will track signals in which strengthen our belief. If we would change our belief, we might have interpreted symbols in an entirely different way.
10 years old Nadav believed that everyone is making fun of him, and you can imagine that wandering with a thought like that hurts the social potential and the self-esteem of this kid. Nadav was sure that it was true, and therefore he told me this story: he went to karate class and a group of bigger kids, that grouped together across the road, was looking at him.
One of them said something and everybody laughed. Nadav was offended and almost didn’t participate in the same class, because he recreated again and again in his head the stinging insult.
Out of this belief, the reality of Nadav was hurtful, and the goal was to free him, so he could see the reality in a different light and get out from the low self-esteem that he developed.
I asked him if he heard what that kid told his friends, that made them laugh. “No” he answered, “but I’m sure it was about me because they looked at me”. I offered him a different angle of view: “Maybe they looked at you because it’s interesting to see a kid walking in the street with a karate outfit, and then that kid said something like ‘He is so lucky! I wished to learn karate, but my parents signed me into a piano class' and then everybody laughed”.
Nadav smiled. “How would you feel if that was what he said?” I asked. “I would feel really good!” he answered. “You really don’t know what he said. You can only guess. So, if you are guessing, why don’t you think about something that will make you feel good?”. Nadav agreed, and that was the starting point of the change of his perception.
Emotion influences the response
More than once we tell ourselves stories, we believe in those stories, make a whole conversation in our heads about others and act out of emotions, emotions that we developed in these conversations, mostly without others being involved, nor have an actual say on the matter.
For example, Noa, sees her good friend Dana pairing up with another girl and is sure that she doesn’t want to be her friend anymore, prefers the other girl and that they are gossiping about her. If she had enough time she would also inspect what could be the source to the change and will deduce that the other girl turned Dana against her - and if Dana got turned so easily so who needs her anyway etc.
In this stage, even if the girls see her and invite her to join she’ll say no, as she is offended. “No favors”, she’ll think, going home telling that Dana isn’t her friend anymore.
This is where you need to help your kids separate the story they tell themselves from the reality. How would you do this? Stick to the cold facts from the field. In this case, the only fact is that the two girls paired up, and all the rest is left as guesses. Noa doesn’t know what is behind the pairing, so she fills up the blanks.
Her guesses reflect on how she feels (hurt and offended), and her response was an outcome of that feeling (avoids approaching the girls even when they call her, muttering “No favors”).
Use the same known fact and try to invent a different story. Maybe they plan a girls’ party and they whispered so the boys that wander around wouldn’t hear? Maybe Dana said that she can’t wait to tell Noa about this? Ask the girl: What do you think? How does that sound to you? How would you feel if that was true? (Excited, happy). And how would you react when they called you? (Running to join them!)
Let her activate her imagination and offer other possibilities. It will help her understand that until you don’t know the facts, everything is a possibility. In other words, let the kids talk to their friends instead of with themselves.
“Laugh at” or “Laugh with”?
I’ve heard more than once that when we laugh, and a kid gets offended we say to them: “We’re not laughing at you, we’re laughing with you”. But that is not true. If the kid is offended, and is surely not laughing, so it’s not really “with”. On the other hand, there wasn’t any intention to laugh at them and surely not to hurt any feelings. So, what is true? We are laughing at the situation.
When a kid slips in the rain and falls in a puddle of water, it’s not very convenient and they think about “how embarrassing” was that, since they realize this probably looked very funny. Kids who will pass by on spot at that moment, even if they were very sensitive and offer help, will have a hard time hiding their smile.
Now it’s all up to the kid that fell. He has a fraction of a second to decide whether to stay in his inconvenience or manages to look at the situation from the sidelines and laugh. If he laughed- it’s guaranteed that they laugh with and not at.
Even when someone is teased on purpose they can choose whether to be insulted or to accept himself with their weaknesses and look at it with humor. Take “Eretz Nehederet” for example. They don’t spare public personas and we are having fun laughing at them, but when one of them comes to the show and participates in a sketch we don’t laugh at them anymore, we laugh with him. More than that, we are impressed and value him for this ability and mention that he’s “Awesome” and “Has a sense of humor”. We value him much more than those who get offended and make noise on the media over the jokes.
A game as a tool for developing positive thinking
Kids who are drawn to negative thinking will express it by the way they play together. They will say sentences like “I surely can’t do it”, “I always lose” etc. Also, during the game, they are concentrated on a possible negative outcome. When they roll the dice and say, “Just not a 4, just not a 4”, and when they get a 4 they mutter: “Aww, I knew it!”.
As parents for a kid with negative thinking, I suggest using games to help him change this perception. When a kid says, “I can’t do it for sure”, answer “sometimes you are successful and sometimes you aren’t”. Avoid getting into an argument if he answers, “But I always lose”, so he won’t feel that he needs to “Prove” that it’s true.
When he says “Just not a 4” again and again he is focusing on the negative. Encourage him to say the number that he wants and focus on it. “I wish that’ll be a 5, I wish that’ll be a 5”. The odds of these 2 “Prayers” coming true is equal, but the feeling that adds up to that is entirely different. When the kid says, “Just not a….” and the number that came out is that number he will experience failure, while if he said, “I wish that’ll be…”, he would experience success!
In good there’s bad, in bad there’s good
Do you know the yin and yang symbol, which implies that opposites complete each other? I use it to portray to kids the fact that good doesn’t exist without bad and vice versa. Kids might be “stuck” in the bad, repetitively complaining about themselves and the world. For example, “I don’t know how to paint”, “I don’t like going to the mall like other girls”, I don’t like soccer”, “I’m fat”, “I’m short” etc.
The symbol helps kids understand that the world isn’t only black and white, and what seems to them as black you can find lit areas. All you need to do is look. We examine together the complaint and look at it from a different angle by asking the question “What do you gain from that? What will come out of this for you?”, when the cosmic rule says that it isn’t good without bad and vice versa.
You have to find the good things - and you’ll find:
I can’t paint, it’s actually not good, but because of that, they let me be in my room with my music.
I don’t like to go to the mall like the other girls, so I’m not in the “popular” group, but I have a good friend that I can talk to about ANYTHING! And that actually means more to me than wearing brands.
When the kids practice this way of thinking, again and again, they suddenly begin to see points of light around them and feel better about themselves.
In this stage, the second part pops up, “there isn’t good without bad”. One kid defined it precisely: If I participated in a competition and I won so it’s good for me but bad for the losing side”. Success sometimes brings along worry and jealousy, and sensitivity which allows seeing the other helps to get a full and broad picture that contributes to the personal and social balance.
There are changeable and there are things that aren’t. You can change conception, and by that, you can change the reality, and this way we can help a kid improve his quality of life, and his surroundings’.
]]>
The school’s doors have opened, and as time passes complaints from the children about bullying, that sometimes becomes actual abuse, shunning and violence.
Social issues of kids don’t descent with time, especially if the first signs were ignored, thinking that “it will pass” or “they will get along”. Only a few will “get along” without help and parental or professional guidance.
To create a significant change, you need to address the negative behavior and give a response in the private and the social-class aspects. I’m often irritated by sentences like “there’s nothing we can do”. That isn’t true, and there’s no reason that a kid won’t feel safe in the school in which he studies.
Should parents get involved?
The question is not whether there is anything to do, it is what we can do- and the answer is different in every case. There isn’t one magic solution. To address the matter in a manner that will bring the best results for the kid, we need to try to understand the situation, and all the facts regarding the kid, his class companions, school’s policy, and the surrounding’s responses.
Opposed to the popular opinion, it’s not so obvious that parental interference and a class discussion about the children's behavior towards a specific student will solve the problem. In fact, in most cases the opposite is true. A discussion about a certain kid in front of all of his class will put the spotlight on him, and even if it was done out of positive reasons the result is, in most cases, that he would be portrayed as the weak that needs their mercy.
The conversation with the class is definitely important, but it needs to be separated from the specific case. In fact, I think that a conversation like that should happen in every class at the beginning of the year, in order to get in front of the problem, while using a hypothetical incident for a discussion that delivers a clear message: violence is unacceptable, as well as bullying or shunning.
The students and the teacher will understand together what hides behind behaviors like this: What did they want to achieve? Which other ways are available to achieve that goal? What about the “Watcher” kids? How are the involved kids feeling? Is saying something is “Snitching” or helping a friend?
There are plenty of questions to discuss that will give the kids tools for coping and raise their awareness that will lead to a social impact on the classroom and will prevent future hurting in its individuals.
"I don’t have any friends!”
I’ll show an example from one of the extreme cases that have ever reached me, a fifth grader, diagnosed with depression and in a bad social status. In a private conversation I realized that “bad” means he doesn’t have any friends.
Apparently, when that kid was in second grade he had a fight with some kids in his class (he didn’t remember exactly what it was about), and they started a shunning against the kid. The shunning continued strictly throughout the years, and when new kids arrived they were warned not to talk to him. His parents went to the principal, there were attempts to talk to the class, but nothing helped. Between each attempt more time passed, the shunning continued, and the kid continued fading.
In this case we needed an indirect plan. I contacted his teacher, that confirmed the situation and showed willingness to cooperate with me to make an impact. I compiled a lesson plan for the teachers that emphasizes social bonds in groups, games in pairs, “interviews” that include funny leading questions and finally presenting the interviewee in front of the group.
Like this, I didn’t exile the kid and used his case to try educating the class. In fact, his private case hasn’t come up at all, not even as the reason for the lesson. The kids experienced a fun lesson that created a natural situation in which they needed to talk to the kid and learn how to get to know him, as every other classmate. The rapid change in the way kids treated him after the lesson surprised even me.
In the next session the kid arrived, glowing of happiness telling that he made friends. The lesson caused a turnaround! The moment the kids had to talk to him, they met a charming, friendly kid, with a sense of humor and tons of love. The shunning obviously ended immediately, and the kid became a center of interest in the recess as well.
What do you do with the class queen?
There are many reasons that can lead to a shunning. Sometimes I hear about a girl, “The Class Queen”, that begins a shunning twice a week up to her mood. She achieves an unquestionable, powerful “regime”- no one dares to leave her wishes unfulfilled, or he will be under a shunning too.
Even in this case the work needs to be done in the class level, while emphasizing decision making out of personal responsibility, distinguishing between “good” and “bad”, “right” and “wrong” and of course, strengthening the individual. Naturally the “Queen’s” position and her influence will shake when the individuals in the class will get stronger, and their recognition of their power, and ability to make a difference in the group and in themselves.
Though, not every shunning is negative. In an example of a kid that threatens the safety of his classmates with continuous physical and verbal violence, a shunning will be 10 times more effective than a day or two days suspension.
Suspension is seen as an administrative punishment while a shunning is a social experience, and in a case like this it can pass a strong message that the group is against violence and if he will choose to be violent he won’t be able to be a part of the group. Kind of “The tribe has spoken”.
On the other hand, you always need to keep an opening for making amends and for second chance, and in this case, you need define from the beginning the terms of returning to the group and helping the kid to keep them.
I have a great belief in children ability to help each other in solving social problems and interpersonal conflicts. In recesses and even during class there are teasing and violent events that teachers aren’t even aware to. On the other hand, the kids that are around will see and know, but in most cases, they will keep looking without knowing what to do.
From my experience, if we can give them tools to solve the problem, they won’t stand aside powerless, but they will know how to act, whether they choose to inform an adult who could help them, or they will try to be peacemakers by themselves.
Should you switch schools?
Actually, sometimes the problem is in the kid who is shunned. Obviously, we want to see our kids as naive and successful creatures, victims of the consequences, but that’s not always to case.
Parents that won’t examine the roots of the social problem or won’t be open to face their kid’s part of it, and try to solve it like “magic” by transferring the kid to a different class or school- will find out very quickly that even with the change the problem is returning and sometimes is getting worse, since the kid experiences the crash of the hope for a new beginning, and the personal failure is amplified.
I don’t rule out the need for a transfer. Sometimes it’s necessary to give a child an opportunity to start over without the stigmas that stuck to him in the past, though in most cases a transfer, without working before the move, is almost worthless.
A fourth grader complained about suffering from social problems and continuous teasing from a group of kids in his class. In a conversation with his parents, it turned out that the kid is anxious about his pride and prepared to fight anyone that doubts it. The other kids realized this and had fun teasing him in order to make him angry. He got into fights and was frustrated by the circle that he couldn’t leave behind.
In this case, there is no point in transfer him to a different school before he learns to control his anger and lower the anxiety around the pride issue. Things that might seem trivial, like the difference between “laugh at you” and “laugh with you”, wasn’t clear to him at all. More than that, his vision was “black & white” and he needed working on being open to different lifestyles and different possibilities.
After a few months the kid’s thinking loosened and became broader, and that made room for a sense of humor and better understanding of others. In this stage, the decision was to transfer him to a different class in the same school, where he was accepted happily.
We kept working together for a little more, just to make sure he knew how to cope with the provoking that will come in the end of the preliminary euphoria. And when these came, we saw that unlike the past, he could handle them easily and with no violence. His confidence grew stronger and even the group that used to taunt him couldn’t fool him anymore when they met on breaks.
And for the end, parental responsibility
As parents that hear that something wrong was done, to your kid or an other’s, please treat it with all seriousness. Talk to the kid and notify the system to find the best solution for this specific case.
Keep some ground rules to help prevent social exile:
In birthday parties, make sure that every classmate gets invited, unless it’s an intimate celebration with 2-3 close friends.
If the kid decided to have a “girls/boys party”, go through the list and make sure that every single one of the given genders was invited. If you find out that wasn’t done, understand from your kid why didn’t he do it (“Because I can’t stand her”, “Because he’s annoying”) and give a response. Talk about his feelings and the other kid’s feelings, and the big damage that a situation like this creates. There are kids that hold grudges (“I won’t invite him because he didn’t invite me”), and this will only make things worse.
Talk to the kid about creating change out of a choice. When you invite someone to your house even though he didn’t invite you, you are being great, and making an opening to your communication and friendship, and nonetheless end the hostile times.
]]>
Do everyone have to be social creatures? Opposed to what might be the common way of thinking, only a few kids are born with social skills, and with most of them these are skills that are learnt in a process that you can definitely can influence and make easier.
Developing social skills is a very important matter that you shouldn’t take lightly. More than once I see extreme cases of violent kids, kids without friends or kids that deal with a shunning. I a conversation with the parents we can see that the signs were already seen in kindergarten, but they thought that “that’s how it is with boys”, or “she will get along”, “it will pass” and even “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.
You need to understand that in these cases the time that goes by without addressing the signs doesn’t contribute to the kid, the opposite. The kid will be tagged by the others as a “troubled” kid and the distance will only get bigger, without even talking about the damage to his social and self-confidence. He might toughen up and grow to say sentences like “I don’t need anyone”, but the truth is that humans are social creatures by our nature and we all need it.
If we don’t ignore the first distress calls, we can use them to learn the difficulty that the kids are dealing with and this way we can give them simple tools that will serve them their entire lives.
In most cases, violence between kids is a result of social frustration, that can be stopped by proper early treatment. Here are some examples for common situations between kids in kindergarten. These preliminary interactions are exactly the right place to give the children social tools that will serve them along the way:
How do you respond to violence?
There are parents who teach their kids that when someone hits them, they should run and ask for help from an adult. There are parents who teach to hit back, and others stand by the “tell him it makes you unpleasant” system.
I want to offer a simple rule: “generally you shouldn’t hit others, unless you are in danger”. There is no doubt that a kid that his toy got pulled away from him by force is angry and frustrated, but he is not in danger. From my experience, even impulsive kids with violent reactions can control them with this instruction in mind - suddenly not every hit is terrifying and requires extreme measures.
A kid that is pushed by another kid while running won’t always know if the action was taken on purpose or by mistake, but he’ll surely know that he wasn’t in danger, so he could respond differently, in a nonviolent way.
Likewise, it’s as important to teach the one who accidently pushed while running to immediately say “I am sorry, that wasn’t on purpose”, and even stop running and help the other kid to get up.
How to make children cooperate in a joint game?
Dan, Ariel and Ron are playing blocks. Roy is looking beyond his shoulder, joins and adds a block, but the kids are yelling at him “why are you placing a block here? You’re not supposed to play with us!”. Roy is offended and hurts back - kicks the blocks tower and ruins all they built diligently. The children look at anger: “Roy kicked our tower and ruined it!”.
Our response will not take long, and the result would be probably a punishment to Roy, “so he learns you don’t ruin something that someone else has built”. His behavior was aggressive, and we don’t want it to happen again, but would he learn something by being sent away? And if we add “think about what you did”, will he know to analyze the situation and get to a realization that would prevent him from doing that again?
We now understand it doesn’t make sense. Therefore, if we want to teach Roy anything, we have to give the tools to help him fit in the game. How do we do that?
First, we reach out to the group of kids and ask what happened. The big picture would be clear: Roy wanted to play with them, but the way he did it hurt them and him at the end. Give them other options that would make it easier to get the wanted final result. The first most important tool is to ask. “Roy, if you’d like to play blocks just ask to join along”, say. You need to also guide Dan, Ariel and Ron: “Roy wanted to play with you. Instead of yelling at him for not placing the block correctly, tell him where he could place it. Explain what you’re building and how he can join along and help”.
I believe that if a child wants to play alone he shouldn’t be forced to adding a friend, it’s their choice. If two are concentrated in a game, I wouldn’t force them to add a third kid too. In both cases I would leave it up to the kids to decide and only ask them to communicate it to the kid who wanted to join in: “I want to play alone right now” (Now is an important word, that indicates on a given time and opens up the option to play together in the future).
Similarly, a couple needs to communicate that too: “Dan and I want to play alone right now”. That’s much less insulting to hear someone wants to play alone rather being rejected personally, assuming they don’t want to play with you. It’s easier to accept it and move forward to play with someone else.
Even so, beyond two children it’s already a group. And a group cannot decide to play alone and not let other kids join. What would they say? “I want to play alone with Dan, Ron, Diana, Michelle right now?”, it’s clear that “I want to play with anyone but you!”.
An exception would be if it is separated by gender, “It’s a game for girls only”, then a boy would understand they cannot tag along since he’s a boy. There’s no personal rejection here. Note that gender differentiation happens at around age 4, so if 3 years old girls play “house” don’t conclude it’s because they’re a group of girls and put words in their mouths when a boy wants to join the game. Don’t worry, if that would be a problem they would say it instantly, but at the age of 3 they reason would probably be circumstantial, and they won’t have a reason to exclude a friend - they would need to think about an appropriate role.
Then so, in order to prevent a distress, teach children about sharing:
A child that wants to join into a game should first ask. The group would explain the game and how would they fit in it. It’s recommended to give at least two options: “We’re playing house. You can either be the big brother or the neighbor that came to play with us”. The child can choose either they want to join or not under those conditions and may suggest their own thoughts too: “Can I be the Pizza delivery guy?”. The group can agree or not. If the group agrees - the game starts. If there’s no agreement, the joiner can suggest another idea or join by the group’s offer. If a kid joins, they must understand they fit into an existing game with rules that were already set by the group. They can suggest changes, but not make rulings.
How to Encourage openness towards others and accepting differences? teaching to collaborate with other children in a game is a good start to openness and acceptance. each one of us is different, and we all have different as well as similar wants and passions. It’s essential that children understand that does not make them any better nor worse - just different.
Being different, at any age, is very often perceived as intimidating, and the common human response to it is distance, or worst: bullying and violence. Therefore, it is possible, and recommended, to teach children at a young age that those who are different than you are human beings with emotions and neutralize the threat of the unknown by simply knowing. For example, encourage learning about different cultures, religions, disabilities, habits, skills and more.
Parents and kindergarten teachers with such awareness, often do that through stories. It’s a great start, but if we don’t connect it to children’s reality they will not necessarily make the connection between a Chinese child within a story, to a Chinese child next to them that recently joined their kindergarten, and they have the chance to get to know them. Help children at a young age make those connections, since only by being closely familiar to it they could find the similarities and learn from those who are different.
To conclude, giving children the tools to resolve social struggles at the beginning of their journey, no matter how easy they are, and tools to cope with their first struggles when communicating with other children, could prevent graver social issues later on. It doesn’t mean they will not have struggles, but they have some tools to cope with such struggles.
5. How would you make your children's’ dreams come true? During the holiday season we ask our children to make wishes for the new year to come. And the requests are many: Doing well in school, a dog, or sometime even wish for their parents to be together again. In the next article, we will explain how you would teach them to make dreams a reality - and face what could not be fulfilled.
Don’t fulfill for them - provide them with the tools into making it on their own: A new year has started, and as every year, the first month brings with its countless opportunities to wishing and caring - we say, “Happy New Year!” and add health and success of all its kinds, and a whole lot of love to our card. It’s an important and a beautiful custom, however those wishes won’t happen on their own - you need to do something in order to help it get to you.
The earlier you realize it, the higher ae the chances to reach self-satisfaction and sense of fulfillment sooner. This year you can get your children and your wishes to come true. You are the only ones that can make it happen. This article will provide you with tools to enable you to do so.
First, think - what would you wish for yourselves? That spontaneous wish probably holds more within, and if you look into it a bit more it will help you in making in come true. For example, if you had “Happiness” in your minds, what does make you happy? What excites you? What are you missing right now in order to feel it? Answers to these questions will be the beginning of your resolution.
Similarly, make this conversation with your children. What do they wish for themselves for this year? What would they want to make different than the year that has passed? Please take every answer seriously, even if it sounds impossible (for example, wishing for their parents to be together again, or getting a dog after you spent a year ignoring similar requests). Every such wish could a great conversation piece to start helping them plan and set goals. Encourage your children to come up on their own with thoughts on what they should do to make their dreams come true. What could they do, and what they need your help with.
Make it clear that they can control dream aspirations that are dependent on them more then dream aspirations which depend on others. That way, for example, talking to another they have had a fight with and reconcile - the child can be responsible for its own part and try and communicate, but they cannot make someone make peace and be friends again, nor control how others react.
Here are some popular reasonable wishes. Making it come true is dependent on the child’s openness to change and willingness to do so. They can get help from others, but change is only subject to their own willingness.
1. Doing well in school: If their wish is to do well in school, the way to making this wish come true could be, for example, checking the school bag and making sure to take all the required equipment to every school day, setting up a specific time for doing homework, and actually doing it, of course. If it’s in line with the child’s wish all the responsibility is removed from your backs (or most, at least) and transferred to your child’s back. As soon as they realize their success is dependent on their ability to get their school bag organized and doing homework it all gets an entirely different perspective. Things will be done willingly and not forcefully.
If there is a specific class where your child is struggling, talk to the teacher, you might be able to get some help through the school, but if you won’t - check educational enrichment outside of school hours. Such aid requires great patience. If a parent doesn’t have the required patience, it’s better to get help in a different way, rather than having this being another cause for tension between a parent and a child.
2. “Having (more) friends” I’ve put “more” in brackets because some kids will do just fine with one good friend. If the child’s wish is related to friends I would take this opportunity to speak about friendship: who is considered a good friend? What makes one a better friend than all the others? Emphasize the essence of reciprocity and the ability to communicate, even if there are different opinions in which are natural between friends.
After you’ve defined who is a good friend check who from those around you have the potential of being such friend. If not in class, then maybe in another class, group or neighborhood. Next, plan a nice activity and invite that kid/s over to join. Prepare the child to the fact that one can accept or reject the offer, but that rejection can incur from different reasons such as time or date. Teach your child to not be frightened from getting a “no”. If it’s important to them, they can ask if another time would suit better, or perhaps a different activity. If the answer is still no, let it go and call someone else. Whoever is not interested cannot be a good friend for them anyway and it’s better to invest time with those who can.
In most cases, with just a little guidance and focus children will find a way to make it in that area. Still, there are who face with difficult phenomenon’s in which are hard to face on their own. encourage them to talk about it with you and with the educational staff for finding solution. In cases whereas children face this for a long period of time, or repeatedly in different times, it is advised to consult with a professional.
3. To have XXX (or anything I want to have) It is, of course, a material wishful thinking. Every item your child wishes to have has some monetary value. Encourage them to discover what that value is and think how they can reach such amount of money. If you’re still not giving allowance, maybe it’s a good time to start. It will allow your children to learn the value of money and also plan and think ahead. Financial management at its first steps.
Allowance only would probably not be enough in order to reach the amount of money required for the item, even if they save for a long time. Now they will have to think what else can be done. For example, asking the family to give money instead of getting a present for your birthday, or check what type of small paid jobs they can do (note that those jobs cannot include home chores, which are supposed to be a joint effort to maintain the standards of living rather for monetary compensation).
Depending on the child and its skills, you can suggest babysitting in the neighborhood, helping others with homework, dog walking and more. They can also cooperate with a sibling to join forces and acquire together. In that case, they will have to take in account that the item will be shared too, and it should be planned - who is using it and when? And if they fight? Really think about those scenarios and plan ahead the right remedies for any case.
Not everything is possible There are, obviously, many popular wishes which cannot be fulfilled. Those wishes are usually dependent on other parties, therefore have between low chance to no chance at all to be fulfilled (similar to the passing grandfather example). Even so, those wishes should be seriously treated too, whereas you should be understanding. You should check together what your child can do to get as closest as one can get to making their wish come true.
1. “That you and Daddy to be back together again” Every child within a family in which parents have divorced shares that wish. The aspiration to completeness - a home with two parents - a strong wish, sometimes utopian, and that completeness is far from being perfect. There’s no reason to focus on that but to simply say it as is and focus on the wish. The parents might not be together again, but that choice is theirs, and that choice is not dependent on the child. However, despite the break up from each other, they did not break up from their child and love their children very much. The child can ask the parents not to say bad things about one another because that hurts. And the child can also make the most of the time with both parents and most importantly - know that they’re loved in both homes.
2. “That Grandpa will live” Another wish that is shared with almost every child who went through the death of someone close. After you hug and share natural and understandable memories and longings, sit with your child and explain to them that grandpa would probably not come back to life, but will always remain in their hearts, therefore will always be with them. They can imagine grandpa - what would grandpa say in such situation? They can’t write their grandpa whatever they want to say to him, draw something or him, and more.
3. “To have another brother” The wish to have a brother, younger or older, is also very common, but such decision obviously lays in the parents hands and they might have many considerations on top of the child’s want to simply have a sibling. In the meanwhile, the child can enjoy the company of a good neighbor, helping another kid in the kindergarten etc. It is not the same, but at least twice a week they child will have a close connection.
4. “To return to the old house” Returning back to an old house is probably dependent on many factors. There were reasons that led into that transition, and most chances are that there’s no chance to make that wish would come true. At least not at that point of time. Talk to your child about the longings to the place, to the people. Perhaps you can pay a visit, invite or keep in touch in different ways. Check with the child what can be done in order to make the current place nice and make it a wish for the upcoming year. Now count the steps into making it come true.
5. “To get a dog” There are complex wishes, ones that making them come true is dependent on the child itself but also impacts on other people lives’, therefore cannot be fulfilled without their consent. Such wishes involve pets, especially dogs and cats.
Many children put a lot of pressure on their parents to let them bring in a dog. In some houses the answer “no” is definitive and there’s no chance that the child would get a pet until they grow and move to their own home, with their own rules. In most houses a positive response would be conditioned with taking responsibility. “We won’t bring any dog in here until they kids will be responsible and would take care of food and walking the dog!”.
Kids promise of course, but parents are suspicious. If that’s the case, they want kids to decide on tasks and goals to prove their maturity and perseverance, such as watering the plants or doing chores. Similarly, to house chores that contribute to all house resident’s welfare, also taking care of a dog is a joint effort. Decide on a meaningful time frame that the children can prove their capabilities. Even if they have proven to be capable enough, and even if they did not, let them know, and make sure to have a backup, as it seems they can be trusted to make their wishes come true.
A moment before you take that step, stop and consider what type of dog would fit your family (A puppy? A grown-up dog? Energetic? Calm?). Children need to know what to expect (For example, A puppy is very cute, but it’s important to know to which size would the god grow into, big/medium/small, and also take in account the care around the clock - more feeding and walking, and training. A grown dog - it’s important to know its character and its history). Do your homework and set expectations, that way you raise the chances for success. Just sometimes - dreams come true… Isn’t it lovely to know we have the power to make it happen? That we don’t need to wait and hope, but can make decisions and actions to make it happen? I wish your children and you a successful new year for your and for them, thanks to yourselves!
6. Kids, stop fighting: Making it through play dates Afternoon play dates can be a lot of fun or a huge nightmare. How do we help them play nice, what to do when there’s a conflict, and how would you cope with a violent friend? Some kids socialize quickly: they make friends, they invite and being invited. For other kids this might be more difficult, and they tend to avoid social interactions. If your child is within the first group, or if he better fits the second group, it’s important you help them in socially evolving by setting afternoon meetups with school or kindergarten friends. Those private meetups create better opportunities to get to know each other and strengthening friendship in an intimate, non-intimidating environment.
In order to aid you and them to successfully pass those meetups, we’ve set a quick step by step guide for you to encourage a fruitful meetup.
It’s always best to start with your own child. Ask them who they would want to invite and take their wishes in account. A child’s choice is of essence since they are the ones who would use those connections tomorrow in the kindergarten. It’s interesting to know who they choose: Do they resemble? Or completely different? Intuitively, children at kindergarten age make choices we, the parents, don’t understand, but it makes sense to them and these choices are realized later on to be good for them.
Consult with the kindergarten teacher too, she might be able to provide you with important information about your child. Kindergarten walls have a lot of information on your child you might not know, since some things they deal with within those walls are different than what they deal with at home. Ask the teacher how they are, and who they play with. Do other kids collaborate them when they play? Does your child interact? How do they react to others and to frustrations? Using those answers, you will get a broader picture to where the struggle lays, and if it’s personal or social.
Now, when the picture is clearer, consult with the teacher and see who would be best to connect your child with. Who does your child interact best with and might have similar interests or energy. Suggest it to your child as if it was your idea - “what do you think about inviting Ron over? He seems really nice”.
What if they choose to invite a child that bothers them? That is indeed an option, that your child would want to invite another child that actually bothers them. Don’t reject it so fast. Remember that home is a safe place to make such change, and you will be there in order to supervise. It’s not uncommon to find that bullying starts from not knowing someone or from non-acceptance. A joint meetup, in which kids get to know each other personally is a positive experience (and a joint game), that can change significantly how your child is being addressed to at the kindergarten and helping in making an enemy - a friend.
If the kids don’t get along and the other kid is violent towards your child in your home court to - end it. It’s important that this kid knows this behavior is unacceptable and if they hurt someone during such meetup they will be sent home immediately. It’s even more important to make the message clear for your own child, that home is safe and you’re standing by their side.
How to prepare your child for a meetup?
A play date can be a happy event and a challenging one at the same time. Since it happens within your “home court” it gives your child confidence, but at the same time makes them deal with subjects like sharing, consider others, set personal boundaries and more. To make it easier, I suggest you prepare your child in advance for that visit. It might sound natural to you to consider a guest, and it sounds clear you need to share toys, but your child, especially in kindergarten age, doesn’t see it clear at all.
In addition, there might be some other obstacles you should prepare to in advance. For example, your child might think they invite their friend to see a new toy, but they might not even imagine they would have to share it. Explain it to your child that when a friend comes over, he would want to play toys and games, and they would be able to play all of it together or take turns.
If there’s a specific toy which is very dear to your child and it’s clear to you there’s no chance they would want to share it (for example, a puppet your child carries to bed or a new toy they find it hard to let go still), define it in advance as a “special” toy and tell him that’s ok to make it clear this toy is not be played with, since it’s special. Put that toy aside, that way it would be easier to separate: this is not to be played with, the others - yes.
Make sure to set expectations. Your child might have in mind that they would play a ball together, but the friend would be interested in Lego. Those small misunderstandings might come to be a very uncomfortable, or even a fight, that could be easily avoided by preparing in advance and simulating through “What if?” questions and thinking about possible solutions.
How could we make it easier for a child that stresses out from such events? If hosting someone stresses your child, or if they find it hard to cope with such challenge at home, I suggest starting with social gatherings outside home, in a neutral place, for example, the playground. Talk to the mothers of some children you’d like to connect to and try organizing a joint meetup.
By the way, meeting in playgrounds are nice, but it does not replace a playdate at home. Meeting in a playground is less personal therefore can be a base of making social connections but inviting over to your own home would be the meetups would drive deeper connections.
How to react if your child is being invited? If your child is invited by another prepare them for it. You obviously know every house is different, with different rules and dynamics, but for your child - it’s all new. A new house is a foreign country. Some kids will be intimidated, and they would not want to let go of their parent until they feel comfortable enough. Other kids would want to explore right away, will walk and discover, open doors, and reach out to toys only they feel they had enough of seeing it all.
In order to make it easier for them on the first meeting, prepare them in advance for such change: “Ron’s house is different than our house. He lives on the 3rd floor, and to get to his doorstep we would go up in an elevator”. If you know who will be welcoming you, say: “Ron’s mom won’t be there we get there, since she’s still at work, but Ron’s babysitter would be there with you, and his mom will join later”.
In addition, explain to your child that every house has its own rules, and the residents of the house are the ones to set those rules. “If Ron’s mother says something is forbidden, even if it’s allowed in our home, it’s still is forbidden in their house, since in Ron’s house his parents are the ones to set the rules”.
Prepare them also to what they can do if something is not right for them. “If you need help reach out to Ron’s mother and tell her what bothers you. You can also request to call me, I will leave my phone number”.
Remember that your child takes it all from your tone of voice, if you’re calm or worried. Therefore, tell them all that with a calm smile - so the unfamiliar will be exciting and new, and not intimidating. Add that you’ll stay with them, until they say they’re comfortable enough to be left alone to play, and you will come back to take them. The purpose is, of course, to give them confidence in that new place, so they know you’re there if needed.
It’s not always easy to acquire new friends and maintain them. To do so, they have to make positive social experiences, and therefore you, as parents, have the capabilities to create those opportunities for that. |
How to make children cooperate in a joint game?
Dan, Ariel and Ron are playing blocks. Roy is looking beyond his shoulder, joins and adds a block, but the kids are yelling at him “why are you placing a block here? You’re not supposed to play with us!”. Roy is offended and hurts back - kicks the blocks tower and ruins all they built diligently. The children look at anger: “Roy kicked our tower and ruined it!”.
Our response will not take long, and the result would be probably a punishment to Roy, “so he learns you don’t ruin something that someone else has built”. His behavior was aggressive, and we don’t want it to happen again, but would he learn something by being sent away? And if we add “think about what you did”, will he know to analyze the situation and get to a realization that would prevent him from doing that again?
We now understand it doesn’t make sense. Therefore, if we want to teach Roy anything, we have to give the tools to help him fit in the game. How do we do that?
First, we reach out to the group of kids and ask what happened. The big picture would be clear: Roy wanted to play with them, but the way he did it hurt them and him at the end.
Give them other options that would make it easier to get the wanted final result. The first most important tool is to ask. “Roy, if you’d like to play blocks just ask to join along”, say. You need to also guide Dan, Ariel and Ron: “Roy wanted to play with you. Instead of yelling at him for not placing the block correctly, tell him where he could place it. Explain what you’re building and how he can join along and help”.
I believe that if a child wants to play alone he shouldn’t be forced to adding a friend, it’s their choice. If two are concentrated in a game, I wouldn’t force them to add a third kid too. In both cases I would leave it up to the kids to decide and only ask them to communicate it to the kid who wanted to join in: “I want to play alone right now” (Now is an important word, that indicates on a given time and opens up the option to play together in the future).
Similarly, a couple needs to communicate that too: “Dan and I want to play alone right now”. That’s much less insulting to hear someone wants to play alone rather being rejected personally, assuming they don’t want to play with you. It’s easier to accept it and move forward to play with someone else.
Even so, beyond two children it’s already a group. And a group cannot decide to play alone and not let other kids join. What would they say? “I want to play alone with Dan, Ron, Diana, Michelle right now?”, it’s clear that “I want to play with anyone but you!”.
An exception would be if it is separated by gender, “It’s a game for girls only”, then a boy would understand they cannot tag along since he’s a boy. There’s no personal rejection here. Note that gender differentiation happens at around age 4, so if 3 years old girls play “house” don’t conclude it’s because they’re a group of girls and put words in their mouths when a boy wants to join the game. Don’t worry, if that would be a problem they would say it instantly, but at the age of 3 they reason would probably be circumstantial, and they won’t have a reason to exclude a friend - they would need to think about an appropriate role.
Then so, in order to prevent a distress, teach children about sharing:
A child that wants to join into a game should first ask.
The group would explain the game and how would they fit in it. It’s recommended to give at least two options: “We’re playing house. You can either be the big brother or the neighbor that came to play with us”.
The child can choose either they want to join or not under those conditions and may suggest their own thoughts too: “Can I be the Pizza delivery guy?”.
The group can agree or not. If the group agrees - the game starts. If there’s no agreement, the joiner can suggest another idea or join by the group’s offer.
If a kid joins, they must understand they fit into an existing game with rules that were already set by the group. They can suggest changes, but not make rulings.
How to Encourage openness towards others and accepting differences?
teaching to collaborate with other children in a game is a good start to openness and acceptance. each one of us is different, and we all have different as well as similar wants and passions. It’s essential that children understand that does not make them any better nor worse - just different.
Being different, at any age, is very often perceived as intimidating, and the common human response to it is distance, or worst: bullying and violence. Therefore, it is possible, and recommended, to teach children at a young age that those who are different than you are human beings with emotions and neutralize the threat of the unknown by simply knowing. For example, encourage learning about different cultures, religions, disabilities, habits, skills and more.
Parents and kindergarten teachers with such awareness, often do that through stories. It’s a great start, but if we don’t connect it to children’s reality they will not necessarily make the connection between a Chinese child within a story, to a Chinese child next to them that recently joined their kindergarten, and they have the chance to get to know them. Help children at a young age make those connections, since only by being closely familiar to it they could find the similarities and learn from those who are different.
To conclude, giving children the tools to resolve social struggles at the beginning of their journey, no matter how easy they are, and tools to cope with their first struggles when communicating with other children, could prevent graver social issues later on. It doesn’t mean they will not have struggles, but they have some tools to cope with such struggles.
5. How would you make your children's’ dreams come true?
During the holiday season we ask our children to make wishes for the new year to come. And the requests are many: Doing well in school, a dog, or sometime even wish for their parents to be together again. In the next article, we will explain how you would teach them to make dreams a reality - and face what could not be fulfilled.
Don’t fulfill for them - provide them with the tools into making it on their own: A new year has started, and as every year, the first month brings with its countless opportunities to wishing and caring - we say, “Happy New Year!” and add health and success of all its kinds, and a whole lot of love to our card. It’s an important and a beautiful custom, however those wishes won’t happen on their own - you need to do something in order to help it get to you.
The earlier you realize it, the higher ae the chances to reach self-satisfaction and sense of fulfillment sooner. This year you can get your children and your wishes to come true. You are the only ones that can make it happen. This article will provide you with tools to enable you to do so.
First, think - what would you wish for yourselves? That spontaneous wish probably holds more within, and if you look into it a bit more it will help you in making in come true. For example, if you had “Happiness” in your minds, what does make you happy? What excites you? What are you missing right now in order to feel it? Answers to these questions will be the beginning of your resolution.
Similarly, make this conversation with your children. What do they wish for themselves for this year? What would they want to make different than the year that has passed? Please take every answer seriously, even if it sounds impossible (for example, wishing for their parents to be together again, or getting a dog after you spent a year ignoring similar requests). Every such wish could a great conversation piece to start helping them plan and set goals. Encourage your children to come up on their own with thoughts on what they should do to make their dreams come true. What could they do, and what they need your help with.
Make it clear that they can control dream aspirations that are dependent on them more then dream aspirations which depend on others. That way, for example, talking to another they have had a fight with and reconcile - the child can be responsible for its own part and try and communicate, but they cannot make someone make peace and be friends again, nor control how others react.
Here are some popular reasonable wishes. Making it come true is dependent on the child’s openness to change and willingness to do so. They can get help from others, but change is only subject to their own willingness.
1. Doing well in school:
If their wish is to do well in school, the way to making this wish come true could be, for example, checking the school bag and making sure to take all the required equipment to every school day, setting up a specific time for doing homework, and actually doing it, of course. If it’s in line with the child’s wish all the responsibility is removed from your backs (or most, at least) and transferred to your child’s back. As soon as they realize their success is dependent on their ability to get their school bag organized and doing homework it all gets an entirely different perspective. Things will be done willingly and not forcefully.
If there is a specific class where your child is struggling, talk to the teacher, you might be able to get some help through the school, but if you won’t - check educational enrichment outside of school hours. Such aid requires great patience. If a parent doesn’t have the required patience, it’s better to get help in a different way, rather than having this being another cause for tension between a parent and a child.
2. “Having (more) friends”
I’ve put “more” in brackets because some kids will do just fine with one good friend. If the child’s wish is related to friends I would take this opportunity to speak about friendship: who is considered a good friend? What makes one a better friend than all the others? Emphasize the essence of reciprocity and the ability to communicate, even if there are different opinions in which are natural between friends.
After you’ve defined who is a good friend check who from those around you have the potential of being such friend. If not in class, then maybe in another class, group or neighborhood. Next, plan a nice activity and invite that kid/s over to join. Prepare the child to the fact that one can accept or reject the offer, but that rejection can incur from different reasons such as time or date. Teach your child to not be frightened from getting a “no”. If it’s important to them, they can ask if another time would suit better, or perhaps a different activity. If the answer is still no, let it go and call someone else. Whoever is not interested cannot be a good friend for them anyway and it’s better to invest time with those who can.
In most cases, with just a little guidance and focus children will find a way to make it in that area. Still, there are who face with difficult phenomenon’s in which are hard to face on their own. encourage them to talk about it with you and with the educational staff for finding solution. In cases whereas children face this for a long period of time, or repeatedly in different times, it is advised to consult with a professional.
3. To have XXX (or anything I want to have)
It is, of course, a material wishful thinking. Every item your child wishes to have has some monetary value. Encourage them to discover what that value is and think how they can reach such amount of money. If you’re still not giving allowance, maybe it’s a good time to start. It will allow your children to learn the value of money and also plan and think ahead. Financial management at its first steps.
Allowance only would probably not be enough in order to reach the amount of money required for the item, even if they save for a long time. Now they will have to think what else can be done. For example, asking the family to give money instead of getting a present for your birthday, or check what type of small paid jobs they can do (note that those jobs cannot include home chores, which are supposed to be a joint effort to maintain the standards of living rather for monetary compensation).
Depending on the child and its skills, you can suggest babysitting in the neighborhood, helping others with homework, dog walking and more. They can also cooperate with a sibling to join forces and acquire together. In that case, they will have to take in account that the item will be shared too, and it should be planned - who is using it and when? And if they fight? Really think about those scenarios and plan ahead the right remedies for any case.
Not everything is possible
There are, obviously, many popular wishes which cannot be fulfilled. Those wishes are usually dependent on other parties, therefore have between low chance to no chance at all to be fulfilled (similar to the passing grandfather example). Even so, those wishes should be seriously treated too, whereas you should be understanding. You should check together what your child can do to get as closest as one can get to making their wish come true.
1. “That you and Daddy to be back together again”
Every child within a family in which parents have divorced shares that wish. The aspiration to completeness - a home with two parents - a strong wish, sometimes utopian, and that completeness is far from being perfect. There’s no reason to focus on that but to simply say it as is and focus on the wish. The parents might not be together again, but that choice is theirs, and that choice is not dependent on the child. However, despite the break up from each other, they did not break up from their child and love their children very much. The child can ask the parents not to say bad things about one another because that hurts. And the child can also make the most of the time with both parents and most importantly - know that they’re loved in both homes.
2. “That Grandpa will live”
Another wish that is shared with almost every child who went through the death of someone close. After you hug and share natural and understandable memories and longings, sit with your child and explain to them that grandpa would probably not come back to life, but will always remain in their hearts, therefore will always be with them. They can imagine grandpa - what would grandpa say in such situation? They can’t write their grandpa whatever they want to say to him, draw something or him, and more.
3. “To have another brother”
The wish to have a brother, younger or older, is also very common, but such decision obviously lays in the parents hands and they might have many considerations on top of the child’s want to simply have a sibling. In the meanwhile, the child can enjoy the company of a good neighbor, helping another kid in the kindergarten etc. It is not the same, but at least twice a week they child will have a close connection.
4. “To return to the old house”
Returning back to an old house is probably dependent on many factors. There were reasons that led into that transition, and most chances are that there’s no chance to make that wish would come true. At least not at that point of time. Talk to your child about the longings to the place, to the people. Perhaps you can pay a visit, invite or keep in touch in different ways. Check with the child what can be done in order to make the current place nice and make it a wish for the upcoming year. Now count the steps into making it come true.
5. “To get a dog”
There are complex wishes, ones that making them come true is dependent on the child itself but also impacts on other people lives’, therefore cannot be fulfilled without their consent. Such wishes involve pets, especially dogs and cats.
Many children put a lot of pressure on their parents to let them bring in a dog. In some houses the answer “no” is definitive and there’s no chance that the child would get a pet until they grow and move to their own home, with their own rules. In most houses a positive response would be conditioned with taking responsibility. “We won’t bring any dog in here until they kids will be responsible and would take care of food and walking the dog!”.
Kids promise of course, but parents are suspicious. If that’s the case, they want kids to decide on tasks and goals to prove their maturity and perseverance, such as watering the plants or doing chores. Similarly, to house chores that contribute to all house resident’s welfare, also taking care of a dog is a joint effort. Decide on a meaningful time frame that the children can prove their capabilities. Even if they have proven to be capable enough, and even if they did not, let them know, and make sure to have a backup, as it seems they can be trusted to make their wishes come true.
A moment before you take that step, stop and consider what type of dog would fit your family (A puppy? A grown-up dog? Energetic? Calm?). Children need to know what to expect (For example, A puppy is very cute, but it’s important to know to which size would the god grow into, big/medium/small, and also take in account the care around the clock - more feeding and walking, and training. A grown dog - it’s important to know its character and its history). Do your homework and set expectations, that way you raise the chances for success.
Just sometimes - dreams come true… Isn’t it lovely to know we have the power to make it happen? That we don’t need to wait and hope, but can make decisions and actions to make it happen? I wish your children and you a successful new year for your and for them, thanks to yourselves!
6. Kids, stop fighting: Making it through play dates
Afternoon play dates can be a lot of fun or a huge nightmare. How do we help them play nice, what to do when there’s a conflict, and how would you cope with a violent friend?
Some kids socialize quickly: they make friends, they invite and being invited. For other kids this might be more difficult, and they tend to avoid social interactions. If your child is within the first group, or if he better fits the second group, it’s important you help them in socially evolving by setting afternoon meetups with school or kindergarten friends. Those private meetups create better opportunities to get to know each other and strengthening friendship in an intimate, non-intimidating environment.
In order to aid you and them to successfully pass those meetups, we’ve set a quick step by step guide for you to encourage a fruitful meetup.
It’s always best to start with your own child. Ask them who they would want to invite and take their wishes in account. A child’s choice is of essence since they are the ones who would use those connections tomorrow in the kindergarten. It’s interesting to know who they choose: Do they resemble? Or completely different? Intuitively, children at kindergarten age make choices we, the parents, don’t understand, but it makes sense to them and these choices are realized later on to be good for them.
Consult with the kindergarten teacher too, she might be able to provide you with important information about your child. Kindergarten walls have a lot of information on your child you might not know, since some things they deal with within those walls are different than what they deal with at home. Ask the teacher how they are, and who they play with. Do other kids collaborate them when they play? Does your child interact? How do they react to others and to frustrations? Using those answers, you will get a broader picture to where the struggle lays, and if it’s personal or social.
Now, when the picture is clearer, consult with the teacher and see who would be best to connect your child with. Who does your child interact best with and might have similar interests or energy. Suggest it to your child as if it was your idea - “what do you think about inviting Ron over? He seems really nice”.
What if they choose to invite a child that bothers them?
That is indeed an option, that your child would want to invite another child that actually bothers them. Don’t reject it so fast. Remember that home is a safe place to make such change, and you will be there in order to supervise. It’s not uncommon to find that bullying starts from not knowing someone or from non-acceptance. A joint meetup, in which kids get to know each other personally is a positive experience (and a joint game), that can change significantly how your child is being addressed to at the kindergarten and helping in making an enemy - a friend.
If the kids don’t get along and the other kid is violent towards your child in your home court to - end it. It’s important that this kid knows this behavior is unacceptable and if they hurt someone during such meetup they will be sent home immediately. It’s even more important to make the message clear for your own child, that home is safe and you’re standing by their side.
How to prepare your child for a meetup?
A play date can be a happy event and a challenging one at the same time. Since it happens within your “home court” it gives your child confidence, but at the same time makes them deal with subjects like sharing, consider others, set personal boundaries and more. To make it easier, I suggest you prepare your child in advance for that visit. It might sound natural to you to consider a guest, and it sounds clear you need to share toys, but your child, especially in kindergarten age, doesn’t see it clear at all.
In addition, there might be some other obstacles you should prepare to in advance. For example, your child might think they invite their friend to see a new toy, but they might not even imagine they would have to share it. Explain it to your child that when a friend comes over, he would want to play toys and games, and they would be able to play all of it together or take turns.
If there’s a specific toy which is very dear to your child and it’s clear to you there’s no chance they would want to share it (for example, a puppet your child carries to bed or a new toy they find it hard to let go still), define it in advance as a “special” toy and tell him that’s ok to make it clear this toy is not be played with, since it’s special. Put that toy aside, that way it would be easier to separate: this is not to be played with, the others - yes.
Make sure to set expectations. Your child might have in mind that they would play a ball together, but the friend would be interested in Lego. Those small misunderstandings might come to be a very uncomfortable, or even a fight, that could be easily avoided by preparing in advance and simulating through “What if?” questions and thinking about possible solutions.
How could we make it easier for a child that stresses out from such events?
If hosting someone stresses your child, or if they find it hard to cope with such challenge at home, I suggest starting with social gatherings outside home, in a neutral place, for example, the playground. Talk to the mothers of some children you’d like to connect to and try organizing a joint meetup.
By the way, meeting in playgrounds are nice, but it does not replace a playdate at home. Meeting in a playground is less personal therefore can be a base of making social connections but inviting over to your own home would be the meetups would drive deeper connections.
How to react if your child is being invited?
If your child is invited by another prepare them for it. You obviously know every house is different, with different rules and dynamics, but for your child - it’s all new. A new house is a foreign country. Some kids will be intimidated, and they would not want to let go of their parent until they feel comfortable enough. Other kids would want to explore right away, will walk and discover, open doors, and reach out to toys only they feel they had enough of seeing it all.
In order to make it easier for them on the first meeting, prepare them in advance for such change: “Ron’s house is different than our house. He lives on the 3rd floor, and to get to his doorstep we would go up in an elevator”. If you know who will be welcoming you, say: “Ron’s mom won’t be there we get there, since she’s still at work, but Ron’s babysitter would be there with you, and his mom will join later”.
In addition, explain to your child that every house has its own rules, and the residents of the house are the ones to set those rules. “If Ron’s mother says something is forbidden, even if it’s allowed in our home, it’s still is forbidden in their house, since in Ron’s house his parents are the ones to set the rules”.
Prepare them also to what they can do if something is not right for them. “If you need help reach out to Ron’s mother and tell her what bothers you. You can also request to call me, I will leave my phone number”.
Remember that your child takes it all from your tone of voice, if you’re calm or worried. Therefore, tell them all that with a calm smile - so the unfamiliar will be exciting and new, and not intimidating. Add that you’ll stay with them, until they say they’re comfortable enough to be left alone to play, and you will come back to take them. The purpose is, of course, to give them confidence in that new place, so they know you’re there if needed.
It’s not always easy to acquire new friends and maintain them. To do so, they have to make positive social experiences, and therefore you, as parents, have the capabilities to create those opportunities for that.
]]>
In the early years, tantrums tend to be one of parenting’s biggest challenges. Meltdowns are miserable for all involved - they are difficult to decode, to know how to effectively handle and how to prevent. However, if we have a better understanding of what tantrums are all about, we will have a better chance at reducing their frequency and intensity.
Before we dive precisely into what tantrums are about, it is important to remember the following: regardless of the severity of tantrums, they signal that your child is struggling to regulate their emotions. On average, toddlers don’t have the linguistic capabilities to express their upset through words, so they naturally melt down as a means of developmentally appropriate expression. Although still taxing to navigate, keeping this context in mind as they scream through the grocery store has the potential to be a little bit helpful.
Developmental Context:
Ray Levy, a Dallas-based clinical psychologist explains that meltdowns that occur between the ages of 1-2 typically stem from an attempt to communicate a need; more food, a diaper change, a toy. For “mid range” toddlers, temper tantrums typically represent more of a power struggle. While toddlers grow into more autonomous beings, tantrums are guaranteed to be a part of the journey there. Once your child reaches preschool age, they tend to have increased capabilities to express their needs through words - but that doesn’t mean the tantrums stop there. Your child is continuing to learn how to regulate their emotions, so little incidents can spur large blowups. Older children melting down typically involves frustration trying a challenging task and the painful reality of being unsuccessful.
One must remember that tantrums are not a sign of bad parenting; rather, they're an essential developmental stage that all families encounter. Linda Rubinowitz, a clinical psychologist at Northwestern stresses, "tantrums help kids learn to deal with their negative emotions." Although deeply unpleasant to be caught in the middle of, they are actually a healthy developmental stage that our kids must wrestle through.
Let’s Game plan: Prevention
While there is no universal, one-size-fits-all “cure” to tantrums, most experts are in alignment on what doesn’t work (yelling, hitting, bribing, giving in). There is no denying that for most parents, it is extremely difficult to keep our cools in the midst of our children melting down. However, when parents react calmly & consistently, and when kids effectively learn “no means no”, everybody feels a bit more in control. Murray Strauss, a professor of sociology and co-director of the University of New Hampshire Family Research Lab explains, “when disciplining, it's important to focus on behavior.” He continues, “People say, 'that's unrealistic.' But it's not unrealistic to refrain from yelling at coworkers. We have to treat our children at least as well as we treat our colleagues.”
Check out the following tips we endorse when preventing tantrums:
Let’s Game plan: Response
Moving Forward
This is by no means an exhaustive list, but it does contain some of our top tantrum pointers. At the end of the day, we must be compassionate with ourselves, as navigating tantrums calmly as parents is no easy feat. Lastly, we urge you to reinforce positive behavior with praise and encouragement. The New York Times reminds us, “young children are hard-wired to seek parental attention of any kind, so try to reserve your most intense reactions for behavior you’d like to see repeated”.
]]>Normal child development depends on regular exposure to people openly expressing their emotions. We must then ask - when faces are concealed by masks, how does one, particularly a child, accurately process emotional reactions and develop a solid understanding of emotion in people around them? In other words, how can we ensure that our children develop healthy interpretations of the world when one of the most expressive parts of the body is concealed? There are a lot of different theories floating around regarding long term impacts. Unfortunately however, not much is actually known given the fact that an inadequate amount of time has passed to collect valid data.
With that being said, although we are a little over a year deep into this crisis, it is not too late to help familiarize your children with the concept of masks and explore emotional processing under these constraints. The Brookings Institute published ideas of two effective, easy-to-execute methods to address this matter with your little ones:
The first game involves playing peek-a-boo; but with a covid era twist. They recommend that parents play peek-a-boo every so often while wearing a mask. Cover your mouth and then take the mask away to reveal a smile. Do this several times- your doing that clearly explains to your child, even in their infancy that you are there for them and your love is limitless, whether your face is covered or not.
The second game is called “guess my expression”. Ask your child to watch your eyes and eyebrows. Try to make them as expressive as your mouth (think about the term “smiling eyes”). Ask your child to guess what emotion you’re feeling based on the expression in your eyes and eyebrows. You can also reveal how the expression in the eyes matches your mouth by taking off your face mask. Although seemingly minor, these games have proven to help littles ones feel more comfortable with and adjust better to the unnatural experience of emotion decoding while masks are in the picture.
It must be acknowledged that masks have become a constant reminder of the pandemic. However, they have also become a constant reminder to our little ones that they are part of a community, they are being kept safe, and that people care about the wellbeing of one another. It depends entirely on us what message our kids will walk away with.
This sense of safety and belonging is a cornerstone of resilience, as is verbal communication. We can practice and refine these emotional skills using games that encourage open communication and familiarization with a whole array of emotions. Strongsuit and Behind the Anger are great examples for that on our store. Games are proven to be fantastic mediums through which we can continue strengthening our kids’ senses of self, degrees of resilience, and understanding of emotions, & communication capabilities.
Postdoctoral researcher Ashley Ruba, who works in a Child Emotion Lab calms parental nerves by reminding us, "Kids are really resilient. They're able to adjust to the information they're given, and it doesn't look like wearing masks will slow down their development in this case."
]]>Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is an evidenced-based, therapeutic method that can be used with people of all ages, including young kids and teens. CBT is based off the idea that how we think and act affect how we feel. It explores how we perceive reality and asserts that our perspective is in fact one possibility of reality among many others that we may not always acknowledge. By refreaming distorted thought processes and dysfunctional behaviors, we have the power to change our emotions in profound ways. CBT equips kids with everyday tools to reframe how they identify, interpret, and evaluate their emotional & behavioral reactions to negative input. In truth, we could all benefit immensely from CBT - regardless of the nature of our mental health state.
While CBT is a form of talk therapy, it is far more than simply talk. The goal of CBT is to unlearn avoidant behaviors through application of regular practice. In fact, most CBT therapists give their patients homework - so that the progress made in sessions doesn’t stop at the door. CBT helps kids address a myriad of issues ranging from general anxiety and phobias to self-defeating thoughts, impulsivity, tantrums, and severe ADHD. Regardless of what your child is struggling with, it might be worth giving CBT a try - as it has a high efficacy rate and is an incredibly adaptable form of therapy.
It is undeniably of limitless value to help kids understand the ways in which thoughts influence emotions and behavior. As is well noted by Elaine Houston, “reframing counterproductive thinking and the beliefs that underlie that thinking is integral to navigating the emotional and personal challenges experienced during childhood.” We thus implement a number of CBT principles into Keren Media games given their applicability and efficacy in such a wide variety of contexts. It is also important to highlight that play is the universal language of kids. This is precisely why we implement numerous opportunities through our games for kids to expand their CBT toolkits - involving proactive, long-term learning of CBT coping strategies. It is no secret that play based learning is the best way to go!
Sources:
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/cbt-for-kids#conditions
https://childmind.org/article/behavioral-treatment-kids-anxiety
https://positivepsychology.com/cbt-for-children/
]]>Sources:
https://www.theverge.com/21364817/kids-school-covid-19-pandemic-parenting-advice
]]>In essence, Positive Psychology is the scientific study of happiness. This domain focuses on maximizing positivity, cultivating wellbeing, and emphasizing strengths over weaknesses. Positive Psychology holds the power to make us happier people and to transform our family dynamics for the better.
Regardless of your parenting style or child’s temperament, “Positive Parenting” is a highly regarded, scientifically-backed parenting strategy built off of Positive Psychology principles. As explained by Dr. Heather Lonczak, “Whether you are a parent who’s trying to dodge potential problems; or you are already pulling your hair out— you’ve come to the right place”.
Lucky for all of us, applying Positive Psychology principles to our lives is quite simple. Tufts University’s Experimental College highlights several easy-to-implement methods below, which they call “Happiness Interventions.” Let’s check them out:
The strategies above will arm you and your child to face adversity and will in turn, maximize subsequent healthy development. It is important to highlight that Positive Parenting is relevant to all developmental periods. Toddler or teenager, this strategy will empower your children to maximize their potential as resilient, joyful, and fulfilled individuals, and leave you with a greater sense of joy and calm in the home.
Sources:
From the outside, play therapy may look simply like the application of day-to-day playtime. However, this could not be further from the truth. Parents, trained educators, and therapists utilize this evidence-based, therapeutic approach to gain insights into the child’s psychological world. As articulated on Healthline, through play, children learn “new coping mechanisms” and also learn how to redirect maladaptive behaviors. This is applicable in a broad range of contexts, from a therapist’s office--to a classroom--to a living room. Since this therapeutic approach tends to be so effective, therapists often select this as their go-to treatment method when working with young clients.
Put simply, the outcomes of play therapy are limitless. While this intervention can improve impulse control and curb angry outbursts in one child, it can simultaneously reduce anxiety and increase help-seeking behaviors in another. With this playful approach, underlying issues naturally come to light--and in turn, help therapists, educators, and parents understand and relate to their child better. Play therapy ought to be celebrated widely--as this truly universal language effectively caters to all children.
]]>
When I studied psychology, the professor mentioned in one of his classes the first game: more than just a game with a child, “Peek-A-Boo”, where the mother hides and discovers her face in front of the baby. The professor turned our attention to the fact in which sends a clear message - “mom always comes back” to her baby, that way making him feel safe. Since then I’m passionate about the hidden messages behind games, and what use you can do to progress and strengthen them based on their needs.
The language of children is the language of play, and they express themselves using this language most of the time. The insights a kid makes while playing, whether they know it or not, affects their lives and this way you can change and improve their quality of living.
A basis for Sharing and Intimacy
Luckily, there’s a little child living in each one of us, and the game encourages us to connect with it. Gathering the family to play creates, above all, quality time. The fact that parents cleared their schedule to sit with their kids for play, is a base to excitement, sharing, and intimacy. Game time gives us an opportunity to communicate, coming from openness and fun, and to peek into the kids’ world.
We can understand better what they are going through and supply them with the right tools. The house is a greenhouse for coping with new personal and social challenges, and the play allows us to pass messages to our children in an indirect manner and incorporate them in a game. Family games can help us strengthen values like mutual respect, listening, and thoughtfulness, in addition to learning personal and social boundaries, as well as teaching social norms.
You can learn a lot from how a child plays: do they play by the rules; do they change or cheat? Do they give space to other participants or overtaking the game? Are they stressed or relaxed? Are they competitive or do they play just for play? Do they lose interest quickly and want to switch games? How do they cope with winning or losing?
Watch out for judgmental comments and remember that there isn’t “good” or “bad”. Competitiveness, for instance, is a positive attribute in its core, as it often takes us one leap forward. But on the other hand, when it’s exaggerated there could be negative outcomes. A child that doesn’t care whether they win or lose but enjoy the game, could be a quitter or overly indifferent if this behavior is exaggerated. The ambition is to reach balance and to avoid exaggeration in any way, and this could be polished and soften using games.
What you experience with the kid in their home court, other kids would usually experience outside, so the feedback you give is so important, it becomes a tool when facing new challenges. If you are satisfied playing together with them, tell this to your child and encourage positive behavior and traits: “I’m having fun playing with you! You have a wonderful sense of humor and you are waiting patiently to your turn”. If the game isn’t pleasant, make sure you deliver the message to the child, since many times they’re not aware to the problem and don’t understand why other kids don’t want to play with them.
Pay attention that you speak out from your own experience, on your behalf: “Since it’s so important for you to win you don’t wait to your turn, you are grumpy and I’m not having fun playing with you when you’re like that”. Be extra careful from making conclusions, in sentences like: “you don’t have anyone to play with on recess because you’re not playing nice”. Sayings things like this could be hurtful, fixate the negative.
The secret to teaching new skills in a pleasant, undeclared indirect way is by picking the right family game. But, there are many types of games, how do we know what to choose?
Sharing Games: Puzzles, Assembly games
What’s in the game? Games where a family cooperates to reach a goal, like assembling big jigsaw puzzles, assembly games that require sticking to instructions. For this matter, making cookies can also count as a sharing game.
The message delivered to the child: We are here with you, together we will overcome the obstacles and reach the wanted result.
Especially recommended when: you feel that something happened, and the kid doesn’t want to share, there’s a shock due to family changes, moving to a new home and when siblings fight.
Luck Games: “Snakes and Ladders”, “Speed”, “War”
What’s in the game? Games where the family is playing allegedly competitive games, but the winner is determined by luck. Games under this category include for example “Snakes and Ladders”, card games like “Speed” and “War” and dice games where you advance by the number that the dice shows and without any strategy.
The message delivered to the child: Everyone has an equal chance to win, and everything could be turned. Things aren’t always in our hands, so you can enjoy the game regardless of the result.
It’s especially recommended to very competitive kids, and to those, you should point out the mentioned messages. Luck games give them a chance to cope with success and failure while separating who they are from the situation, and it should be emphasized to make the coping easier. If the kid lost a luck game, it isn’t because of their miscalculations, but because the card or the dice didn’t turn out to be optimal.
I like “Snakes and Ladders” very much because it teaches the kids that you shouldn’t always get the highest number: in fact, sometimes 2 will bring you to the ladder, and 6 will bring you to the snake.
Card games- Fours, Taki, Yaniv
What’s in the game? Usually, these are games with simple rules, letting kids deal with basic planning, taking turns, winning and losing. These games are fun and the level of frustration in them is relatively low. Game examples: Fours, Taki, Dreams, Rat-a-Tat Cat, King of Falafel, Spin, Yaniv and more.
The message delivered to the kid: You can have fun playing and enjoy the process, even if you didn’t win.
Especially recommended: The game will help the kids who always must win to enjoy the process. For kids who follow rules in an extremely strict manner, the game could help to loosen up a bit: encourage kids to invent their own rules for the for the cards and play by them.
Strategy games: 4 In a row, Monopoly, Rummikub
What’s in the game? Thinking and strategy games that require strategic planning to win. With games like these you can name Checkers and Chess, card games like “Poker” and “Whist”, Monopoly, Rummikub, 4 In a Row, Risk and more.
The message delivered to the child: Early planning, forward-thinking, reading others (cognitively) and peripheral thinking.
Especially recommended: You should play these games with kids who tend to see the world as black and white, saying things like “I’m always failing” or acting fast without investing a thought. These kids can learn through the game that, in fact, they can influence the game and things don’t just “happen”.
An indirect way to do this is to verbalize your way of thinking: “If I went there, you might go here and eat me, so I shouldn't do this, hmm… if I’ll do this I’m making an opening for you to become king, so this isn’t good too, I’ll make this move - it’s the safest” or “you’ll eat him, but then I will be able to eat 2!”. This way the kid will learn from your thinking strategy and will apply them in the future.
Learning games: Scrabble, Scattergories, Trivia, Lottery
What’s in the game? Games in different fields that advance the kid’s studies like Scrabble, Blanco, Scattergories, Trivia, and Lottery games.
The message delivered to the child: Experimental and fun learning, a feeling that you can learn and have fun.
Especially recommended: When the kids are struggling in a certain field or avoiding it (like math or reading), and when you want to enrich them generally with more content. The kids will be much happier to play with you rather than sit together on their homework, and this way they can progress having fun and the field won’t seem so frightening anymore.
When you want to boost the kid’s confidence, play a game he’s good at and give him a chance to show his knowledge.
Imagination games: Free assembling, arts, and craft
What’s in the game? Games that don’t have any rules and let you use your imagination. This category includes- arts and craft, building and assembly games (which doesn’t have any instructions), shapes and more.
The message delivered to the child: imagination building, thinking outside the box, freedom to create and develop, freedom for self-expression.
Especially recommended: With kids that are strict on the rules (kids with “fixated” way of thinking), a game without any rules might sometimes confuse them and even frighten at first, but try to play together and share ideas with them like “maybe we will build a dragon? How will it look like?”. Let the kid take the wheel, for them to get into the game and add ideas of his own.
It’s also recommended for kids that seem like they are struggling with something but don’t say anything about it. Free play will give them an opportunity to express the struggle in their own way and deal with it, even in a nonverbal way.
Emotion Games: Hand on the heart, The Magnificent Forest
The message delivered to the child: It’s safe to shard and tell things to mom and dad. But make sure it really is! Your responses to things that will come up in games like these will influence your child’s decision whether to tell you things in the future. Pay attention to the messages you pass to him in your own turn, in the sharing of your own.
Especially recommended: When you want to bring your child closer to you, understand them and know what they’re going through. These are the most revealing games for all the participants.
And Finally - should you let your child win?
I’ve been asked many times whether you should let your child win. I see home as a greenhouse, a safe place to try out with success and failure, in winning and losing. If you’ll let the kid win all the time, they might be disturbed by the fact that he’s better than you and won’t be able to cope with losing to his friends. On the other hand, you don’t have to win all the time. Play with the kids a moderate game when you sometimes win and sometimes lose. Be sensitive to the level of frustration of the child: pay attention through the game to how they cope with ups and downs in the game that gives them “small” winning and losing feelings, even before the win or loss in the actual game.
For kids that winning is the world, I take out a game from the cabinet, saying “you win!” and put it back. That always works, leading to a response like “No, I want to play!”
Playing with the kids is a great way to know them better, personally and socially. For kids, a game is a language, and they will bring their own selves into the game as they are, with their strengths and weaknesses. For you, the game is an opportunity for communication in a language which they understand, and for delivering messages that will make them stronger.
The messages you would deliver to children during family games will soak in as insights that they will apply outside as well. Would you like your child to make a change? Less talking and more playing will help them process the struggle that they are going through and strengthen their social skills.
]]>